a-lone

 1.

in a big city

with so many people passing through

in waves

I would take the bus to school and

come back to an apartment that smelled old

to a room that I hated

to a bed that did not want me

 

I would have panic attacks in the middle of the day

in the kitchen or

in a full bus

because loneliness would hit me

and the reality uncovered

 

like blankets in a hot summer night

reality would hit me all at once and I couldn’t take my mind screaming

YOU’RE ALONE

 

I wanted to run away from this small city where I couldn’t find

me

 

and I did

but it did not help

because I found myself surrounded by a sea of people

and I was lonely

because every time someone asked me out for a coffee

I refused because the panic attacks made me see myself dead

jumping off a bridge

hanging in a tree

lying on the road

because my depression would suffocate the life out of me

and I was alone

with her

in a cluttered room that wasn’t mine

in a darkened mind I couldn’t control

 

I felt lonely when I had to smile to people that wanted to be my friends

I felt lonely when I walked back home after shopping late at night

I felt lonely when I woke up at 6AM to neighbors fighting

I felt lonely writing

 

2.

that loneliness is still inside

still like a spot

a small lake in my heart

untouched

until

I find myself in a crowd

 

so I avoid large places with many people when

I don’t have a coffee or a hand to hold

when I know that I’ll yet again feel lonely and it will numb me

so I had to learn how to manage myself

 

how to look at my naked body in the mirror

how to not be afraid to touch it

 

3.

if I’m alone

I am not lonely

anymore